dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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