She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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