i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
