college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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