I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
