I smell stomach acid.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
