when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
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No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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