She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I cut my penus on the lid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
