So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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