the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
