Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm getting married
To pizza
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
