You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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