theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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