and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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