I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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