im six kinds of drunk right now
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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