Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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