tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
