i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
