I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
