Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
