It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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