Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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