roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
