She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I checked into jail on foursquare
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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