i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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