woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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