you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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