we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
