i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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