fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
