i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
