Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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