how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
