I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
