So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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