So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
