So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
