Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
