I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Help. Why am I so naked?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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