Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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