Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
