You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
3 2 1 whiskey
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
