Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
