You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We are all done wearing pants today
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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