That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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