If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
