If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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