I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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