Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
