My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
