Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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