If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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