Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
