I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am naked and annoyed.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize