i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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