does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
