Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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