i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
