i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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