If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sober January is a disaster.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
