True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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