And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
